This has been a difficult week for my family, but in the midst of all the pain and confusion I had the realization that some of my struggles over the years have prepared me for this ultimate struggle.
One of those moments came right after college. I became obsessed with a book called “The Barbarian Way” by Erwin McManus (a pastor in Los Angeles). His book opened my eyes to some deeper questions in my faith. The book discussed that some of Christ’s closest followers experienced extreme challenges. At this point in my life I had not experienced any major tragedy, but for some reason I had so much empathy for John the Baptist who followed Christ and got his head cut off. I wondered what it was like to be so close to Christ and then when you needed Him the most He didn’t come through for you. I was struggling with the question of can I trust God. I was sincerely searching my heart to find the answers and before long I concluded I wasn’t sure if I could.
I started living more out of fear then trust and it showed in every area of my life. For the first time since I trusted Christ, I felt like I was out of rhythm and off beat in everything I did. It’s like I was always forcing something and never in the flow. I know that life isn’t always free flowing, but this was an intense effort from me to force the way I wanted things to be and it just wasn’t working.
It’s been a continual struggle for me to let go of control, but what finally set me free was watching Andrew battle his cancer. I think I realized I didn’t have as much control over my life as I thought I did and for the first time in a while I truly believed that God had a plan for my life. What’s funny is once I experienced the very things I was afraid of, I realized that the experience wasn’t nearly as bad as the story I created about it in my mind.
God’s given me grace, strength and courage to face this challenge and I see why I questioned my faith when I did, so that I can sincerely trust God when I really needed to. If you are wondering why you are going through a difficult challenge trust the process, walk through it in faith knowing that you are loved and God does have a beautiful plan for your life. Blessings.