You may have imagined me and Andrew bawling our eyes out since last night we found out M.D. Anderson may have nothing left to offer us and yes we have shed some tears, but if I can be completely honest with you in some way I feel more at peace now then I have in a while. Mainly because Andrew took the news so incredibly well that his being at peace brought me peace. Secondly, I still hold out hope for some new treatment to come along although I’ve been slowly embracing the reality of his possible death. Thirdly, I feel supernaturally covered in God’s grace. I trust that He has a bigger plan for our lives then I could have ever imagined.
I want to commit whatever time Andrew has left to helping him accomplish his dreams. I’m honored to be his partner in life and to help him get out his message to the world. We have some great ideas about videos, gifts and other special things we want to put together for Ellie. I want to spend time with Andrew learning his views about raising Ellie on the issues of academics, faith, dating, sports , etc. I want to feel like I know what he would want for her, so that when I have to make these decisions I will know his wishes.
I also want to laugh my badonka donk off with him. Already today he’s been laughing at my crazy made up dance moves (amazing facial expressions included), my love for celebrity gossip and just the funny things that come out of his mouth due to lots of pain medicine. He laughed at me this morning because I saw the back of a man at the hospital that looked just like Andrew (baldheaded and in a hospital gown) walking laps with a nurse. I planned to jump out and scare him on his second lap, good thing the man turned the corner and I caught a profile shot because it was for sure not my husband. Just ridiculous stuff like that. I’m honestly in a place of trying to soak up every moment I have and try and make the most of it.
I don’t want to act like he’s dead when he is still fully alive. I want to be present and have as few regrets as possible. I want to soak up his genius, his love and his heart. Sometimes I get upset thinking about the tragedy that he has so much to offer the world, yet his life will possibly be cut short. With that said, I truly believe that what you focus on expands and I choose to focus on the wonderful gifts he has already given to the world and the incredible life he continues to live.
I am forever changed for the better because of what Andrew’s life has taught me and hopefully I can take what I’ve learned from him and make someone else’s life better. We still have a long road to travel full of ups and downs, but at the moment I’m full of love and peace. Blessings.
If you have any creative idea’s of special things Andrew can do for Ellie please leave a comment below. I would love to read them Also we just found out Andrew’s book is going to be available on Barnes and Nobles!! You can pre-order here. It comes out August 1, 2013.