This may seem premature, but it’s the best way I know how to process everything that happened today.  This morning around 2 AM Andrew started a different kind of breathing pattern.  I woke up to give him medicine and the pattern didn’t change.  He was pretty much in constant pain.  Every hour I would give him his medicine and he would still be in pain.  It was extremely hard to watch.  My dad suggested we wake up Andrew’s dad (who is a doctor).  When Mark (Andrew’s dad) came into the room he told us that Andrew was trying to die on us.  Of course this completely freaked me out.  Andrew’s mom came in the room, we woke up his sister and my dad went to get my mom next door.  Mary (Andrew’s mom) rubbed lotion all over his back and sang him songs to try and sooth him.  I sat at the foot of his bed and rubbed his feet.  Rene (Andrew’s sister) held his hand and scratched his back.  It was so difficult to watch him in so much pain.

Once our hospice nurse came she told us this was the time to say everything we needed to say.  I felt it heavy on my heart to tell Andrew how much I appreciate how well he took care of Ellie and me.  Provision was a big thing for Andrew and once he got sick he got busy figuring out how to make sure we were going to be taken care of and he did a really great job.  I wanted him to know that we loved him and that we would be ok.

Everyone went around saying things to him that they needed to say.  He was completely aware of everything we were saying and in his way responded to our sentiments.  He started breathing a lot slower and we could feel the end was near.  The last words that came out of his mouth were, “I love you Bailey.” And he did love me, so incredibly well.  Then minutes later he took his last breath.  It was tragic and beautiful all at the same time.  He died the way he would have wanted to in the house he grew up in next to the ones that he loved.

Once his body left the room I felt a complete void in my heart. It’s like his spirit just filled the room and when he was gone I sensed a hole that is going to take a long time to be filled again.  The emptiness is what is plaguing me today.  I guess it makes sense because the Word says the two will become one.  My soul is at peace because he is free from pain and suffering, but my heart aches because he has become such a part of who I’ve grown to be.

After his passing, I was sick at my stomach with the thoughts of how to tell my two-year old little girl where her daddy is.  Once she woke up, she asked to go next door to see her Grammy.  I dreaded what was coming next.  She walked in the room where Andrew was and started asking, “Where is daddy? Where is daddy?”  I got down on her level and told her that daddy was in Heaven with Jesus.  She replied, “Where? Where?” I told her in the sky. She asked if he was flying and I said “Kind of.”  Then sensing my sadness she hugged me tight for several minutes.  Then she ran off to play.

I hope that once I take my time to mourn I will be filled with his fighting spirit to live and to live well.  I hope that all of his good qualities will embody me and I will live the extraordinary life that he and I always wanted to live together.  I hope to feel a sense of urgency to (in Andrew’s words), “Live life with no regrets.”

I am no doubt a better person today then I was before I met him.  He has stretched me in ways I never thought possible.  I am proud of the person I’ve become and that is all due to the impact of one incredible man.  I will always be grateful that he picked me to live out the rest of his days with him.  I’m honored to always have a piece of him with me through our daughter Ellie.  We love you Andy and will continue to make you proud.