I’m not going to lie. The past week has been emotionally difficult. I figured based on my personality that the hardest part of this journey for me would come after Andrew passed. What I couldn’t anticipate was what I would feel like each day. I feel like a ton of bricks are strapped to my chest. It’s a heartbroken and heavy feeling. Everyday things like getting out of bed and getting out of the house feel like a challenge. It feels similar to the depression I experienced after college except my mind is in a stronger place. I’ve had days where I just miss everything about him. We were the best of friends and now I feel this emptiness inside of me.
On top of those feelings my two-year-old daughter and I have had some tough conversations. The night of Andrew’s memorial I was rocking Ellie to sleep and she told me this, “I miss daddy and I so sad.” Up until this point she only asked for him a couple of times. Since that day, every time she see’s Andrew’s dad (her papa) she yells, “Dada.” A couple of days ago she told me she wanted to go home (El and I came to Dallas for the week) because daddy was there and when I told her that he was in our hearts she told me this, “But I need him.” It broke my heart. Today we went to The Village Church with my parents and I brought Ellie in to sing worship and when she saw the speaker she yelled out, “Dada” because she has seen her dad speak at churches. Then she hugged me and told me, “I miss daddy.”
As a mother, it makes me so sad to see Ellie hurting and to know that there is nothing I can do to fix her pain. I can tell being around my parents that they so badly want to make it all better for us, but know that they can’t. My world just feels strange right now because I don’t know what my new normal will be. I’m in a transition period and a mourning period, but motherhood doesn’t stop and responsibilities don’t stop. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it all the best that I can. I know that I will rise to the occasion, but for now I’m allowing myself some time to grieve.
I’ve enjoyed getting to read everyone’s fb messages, gifts, cards, etc. Reading your words of encouragement help put a smile on my face and remind me that everything will be ok. Thank you for loving my family and me so well. Thank you also for giving me the space and time I need to work through the loss of my love. Your prayers give me the strength I need to get through each day. Full of love and gratitude, Bailey