I’ve been a busy bee. A couple of weeks ago Ellie and I spent a long weekend in Branson with Andrew’s family. We stayed in cabins, went to shows and El went to Silver Dollar City with her grandparents and cousins. It was nice to spend quality time together. My heart continues to break for Andrew’s mom, dad and sister as the level of pain they are experiencing doesn’t go away. They shared that as time goes on and the pain and reality of Andrew’s death sets in the deeper the hurt.
This weekend was the first time I went back for Baylor Homecoming since I graduated in 2007 (so sad especially because I was a Yell Leader). I got to partner stunt on the field during 3rd quarter and no one lifting or being lifted was injured. Thank you Lord! I also got to reconnect with some really special people who meant a lot to me at Baylor and have still been there for me during the hard times. I was kind of hesitant to go back (especially since Andrew’s death was so fresh), but in a way it brought me closer to Andrew. Looking on the field and thinking about him in his football uniform and me on the sidelines cheering was a direct reflection of the past year in our life. I’ve always been his cheerleader and he’s always been the shining star.
Somehow going back to the place where we met and being around the people who loved us and knew us as a couple filled my heart with so much joy. So much so that I almost forgot yesterday we would have been married for 6 years. The love I felt this weekend overshadowed the sadness of our anniversary. I did look through my wedding photo book yesterday and honestly it just made me so thankful for the entire season I had with Andrew. Sometimes I worry about forgetting details about him such as his voice, his quirks and the way he looked at me. I try and hold onto the things I can never forget such as the kindness of his heart, his love and thirst for knowledge and his beautiful gift to communicate.
I’m excited to start therapy to work through the grieving process. I start at the end of Oct. and will go fairly regularly. It’s easy to tell myself that I’m fine and to keep focused on my 2.5 year old and be strong, but ultimately I want to go deeper. I want to feel. I want to experience all the emotions that come with having a spouse pass away. I need help to be guided through that process because it does not come naturally to me to allow myself to feel that deeply. I believe that as I go through this process of therapy I will be able to better connect with myself, with Ellie, my family, my future family and with you. I want to help those who are hurting so badly, but I know in order to truly help other’s through the process I have to go there myself. So here I go. I promise to share the process with you in hopes that my vulnerability will inspire your own journey into the deep places that truly change our lives.
I’m headed to San Diego in a couple of days for my first long vacation since Andrew passed. I’m looking forward to just being and relaxing. The ocean always calms my mind and draws me closer to God. It’s a place where I can reflect, read and journal. Hope you all take some time this week to just be, relax and connect with what’s going on inside of our soul. It’s an easy place to avoid, but it’s also the most freeing place to go. I love you all and so appreciate you walking with me during this new chapter in my life. Blessings.