No More Pain

inhonorofroo

This may seem premature, but it’s the best way I know how to process everything that happened today.  This morning around 2 AM Andrew started a different kind of breathing pattern.  I woke up to give him medicine and the pattern didn’t change.  He was pretty much in constant pain.  Every hour I would give him his medicine and he would still be in pain.  It was extremely hard to watch.  My dad suggested we wake up Andrew’s dad (who is a doctor).  When Mark (Andrew’s dad) came into the room he told us that Andrew was trying to die on us.  Of course this completely freaked me out.  Andrew’s mom came in the room, we woke up his sister and my dad went to get my mom next door.  Mary (Andrew’s mom) rubbed lotion all over his back and sang him songs to try and sooth him.  I sat at the foot of his bed and rubbed his feet.  Rene (Andrew’s sister) held his hand and scratched his back.  It was so difficult to watch him in so much pain.

Once our hospice nurse came she told us this was the time to say everything we needed to say.  I felt it heavy on my heart to tell Andrew how much I appreciate how well he took care of Ellie and me.  Provision was a big thing for Andrew and once he got sick he got busy figuring out how to make sure we were going to be taken care of and he did a really great job.  I wanted him to know that we loved him and that we would be ok.

Everyone went around saying things to him that they needed to say.  He was completely aware of everything we were saying and in his way responded to our sentiments.  He started breathing a lot slower and we could feel the end was near.  The last words that came out of his mouth were, “I love you Bailey.” And he did love me, so incredibly well.  Then minutes later he took his last breath.  It was tragic and beautiful all at the same time.  He died the way he would have wanted to in the house he grew up in next to the ones that he loved.

Once his body left the room I felt a complete void in my heart. It’s like his spirit just filled the room and when he was gone I sensed a hole that is going to take a long time to be filled again.  The emptiness is what is plaguing me today.  I guess it makes sense because the Word says the two will become one.  My soul is at peace because he is free from pain and suffering, but my heart aches because he has become such a part of who I’ve grown to be.

After his passing, I was sick at my stomach with the thoughts of how to tell my two-year old little girl where her daddy is.  Once she woke up, she asked to go next door to see her Grammy.  I dreaded what was coming next.  She walked in the room where Andrew was and started asking, “Where is daddy? Where is daddy?”  I got down on her level and told her that daddy was in Heaven with Jesus.  She replied, “Where? Where?” I told her in the sky. She asked if he was flying and I said “Kind of.”  Then sensing my sadness she hugged me tight for several minutes.  Then she ran off to play.

I hope that once I take my time to mourn I will be filled with his fighting spirit to live and to live well.  I hope that all of his good qualities will embody me and I will live the extraordinary life that he and I always wanted to live together.  I hope to feel a sense of urgency to (in Andrew’s words), “Live life with no regrets.”

I am no doubt a better person today then I was before I met him.  He has stretched me in ways I never thought possible.  I am proud of the person I’ve become and that is all due to the impact of one incredible man.  I will always be grateful that he picked me to live out the rest of his days with him.  I’m honored to always have a piece of him with me through our daughter Ellie.  We love you Andy and will continue to make you proud.

71 Responses to “No More Pain”

  1. Kim Scott

    My sweet Bailey, Andrew has transitioned from his earthly body into the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ; Andrew is face to face with our Creator. His Spirit has returned returned to God, who first breathed it into him.

    ANDREW IS MORE ALIVE NOW THAN EVER BEFORE.

    Jim Elliott said it best, “He is no fool to gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose.”

    I love you and am praying for that “peace that passes all understanding.”
    ks

  2. Sean Gardner

    Dear Bailey,

    Sorry for your loss. It’s amazing to consider that your husband is today in Heaven seeing Jesus with his own eyes. Take care of yourself through this loss for which I cannot give any words.

    Prayers from Switzerland,

    Sean

    • Crystal Blakeney

      Bailey, thank you so much for sharing your heart with us. You and Andrew have touched so many people. I pray that God will wrap His loving arms around you and all of Andrew’s family. Love in Christ, Crystal Blakeney

  3. wendy Costa

    Bailey, Ellie, and Heard family,

    I am SO sorry for your loss. I can tell by Andrew’s blogs and your blogs as well what a truly wonderful man he was. God has him in his arms and his pains are no more. I believe he will let you know in special ways that he is still with you and always will be.
    I have never met any of you but I can tell you, Andrew’s blogs changed and enlightened so many people! He was truly a steward of God, and has earned his wings!
    I pray for comfort and healing for you in this most difficult time in your lives. May God bless you as you continue your journey.

    ~ Wendy (San Francisco Bay Area)

  4. Sophia

    How incredibly amazing it is to be able to feel your love for one another through this post! This is the first time I’ve read this blog, as it was shared with me and others in a cancer connection group. May his beautiful, strong spirit fill you and your daughter with love and strength during this time and always.
    Many blessings of comfort, love and peace to you and your family.

    With sympathy,
    Sophia

  5. Lanie D Craig

    I am so sorry for your loss,but Heaven earned a special Angel to watch over you and your sweet daughter forever.I pray for peace as you go through the coming weks.

  6. Travis Droupy

    Bailey, Ellie & Heard family-
    Gobbler family and Droupy family are praying for you. So sorry for your loss.

    Deepest sympathy,
    Travis Droupy

  7. leslie

    Bailey,
    I am friends of a relative and have had your family in our constant thoughts – After reading this post you are definitely someone that I admire. Your strength and courage are remarkable. I can only imagine what you are facing and what your heart must be feeling at this time, but this post is absolutely breathtaking.
    Your precious baby girl is lucky to have such a strong mama.

    Please know that you are in my thoughts as you begin to prepare for the upcoming events in your life. You are strong and you make Andrew proud each and every day no doubt!

    Thank you for sharing your heartfelt emotion through one of the most challenging events in your life.

    Leslie (Haslet Texas)

  8. Woody and Jean Blackburn

    So beautifully and sincerely written, as always, Bailey. I’ve been praying a lot for all y’all today since I saw Mark’s post nearly right after it was posted, but mostly for you, Andrew’s beautiful, devoted wife. A part of you has been torn away, sweetie. In time, though, with God’s love and the love of your family and close friends surrounding you, plus your precious Ellie beside you, that wound will begin to close up and heal. I love you, dearly. I pray only God’s best will be a part of your future as it has been up to now. In Christ’s love, Jean…Woody, too.

  9. Nancy

    I am Kelsey’s aunt. If we ever met, it would have been many years ago. Bailey, your sense of a void is completely understandable- for exactly the words you said- you were indeed ‘one’. How do I know this? I was a young widow once and felt the same way. Hugs can reach across the miles and know that I am sending you one with prayer for healing in the the days to come.

  10. carlene brumley-- john norwood's mom

    When my son was growing up in cuero with the gang– john, cody, andrew etc. The heard family made my son life so much better. They all played together, went to church together, argue together and played football together. I know my son feels the lost andrew today, are praying for your lost today. We know that he is in a better place at this time but we will miss him. Thank you andrew for being a friend to my son.

  11. Betty Adamson

    My heart aches for you and Ellie today. The world lost a wonderful person this morning that we have all learned from. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Blessings!

  12. Anna and Brandon Coleman

    Bailey , I am sorry for you and your families loss. you and the family will be in our thoughts and prayers.

  13. Shannon

    Hi Bailey,

    I’m praying for you and your daughter. Your friend, Melissa Rowland, sent our small group this link. You inspire me to love my family with all that I have because we never know what God has in store…grateful for your faith and that Andrew is in a much better place than we are.

  14. Kimberly

    Bailey, The physical body eventually fails, but someone so extraordinary as your Love, Andrew who’s heart and soul was bathed in the love of God continues to beat and live on by how he lived and in those who’s lives were glorified by him. You were chosen by God through Andrew to live a blessed life with your remarkable man even if for such a short time. I believe Andrew knew he could count on you to carry on in your life with all your grace and beauty to help him continue with his message. He is only gone in body. Never gone in love or spirit. Prayers for comfort for you and all the many who love your amazing family.

  15. Kimberly Varela

    Bailey,
    I’m so sorry for the loss. He will always be with you and Ellie and will show you the way in special little ways. When you are ever in doubt, just look up to the sky and know that Andrew is looking down on you and her. His spirit will always surround both of you! You are a remarkable lady who is beyond strong. Little Ellie will grow to become a beautiful lady and her Daddy will be looking down from Heaven so proud of her and how you have raised her. Andrew was an inspiration to everyone that he knew. Even back in high school everyone looked up to Andrew, and he has touched so many lives since then!! My prayers are with you all during this time and during the months to come!

  16. Sara

    Bailey,
    Like many people, I have been reading your and Andrew’s story over the past few months and although we don’t know each other, my heart is breaking for you today. I’m praying for you and your sweet little girl as you walk this journey together and with God. Andrew was an amazing man and his faith has challenged me to live a life without fear, because I know Who holds my future. Y’alls story has taught me more about love and marriage than probably any book ever has or could. I’m praying peace and healing for your precious heart. So glad to know that you and Andrew will someday be together again and that he is now at peace with our Mighty Father.
    Blessings,
    Sara

  17. Stacy Orakpo

    Bailey,

    Such a beautiful person I got to know growing up who lifted spirits with your smile alone! I hope those surrounding you are able to do the same right now. Your husband seemed like an amazing individual… No words can fill the void you have right now…but I pray for you and your family and for the strength and endurance for you to care for your little one…my condolences Bai…may joy come into your heart and may you still feel all the love sent your way even during this time of grieving

    Godbless

  18. SaDonna

    My heart breaks for your loss! There are no adequate words to say! I will always be grateful for the inspiration he spurred in me to have a sense of urgency to live my own life with no regrets also! Prayers for you all!!!

  19. Cailey Warfel

    Bailey,

    We have never met, but I am so incredibly inspired by your story. You are so strong and I have no doubt that God will bless you beyond belief for your faith in His will during this incredibly trying time in your life. I cannot imagine how proud Andrew must be of you. Praying for you and your sweet daughter daily.

  20. Jennifer Netardus

    Wow! I’m in awe of you! You all embraced life and death the way God meant for us all to do! Thank you for sharing such personal parts of your life!

  21. Laura Patek

    Such beautiful words. Peace be with you and your family.

  22. Christy Garcia

     I have recently started to read yours and Andrews blogs and they have touched our family, just as they have touched so many other people. Your family has been in my prayers since the moment I started to read your blogs. I know that there isn’t anything anyone can say that will ever take this horrible ache in your heart away but please know andrew will live on. Although he isn’t here, he has accomplished so much leaving us books, blogs and so much more that will continue to touch many more people in the years to come. We didn’t know him personally But we feel like We knew him. His powerful words have some how became part of us and I hope will continue to make me become a better person. May god bless the entire Heard family and give each of you the strength and courage to face each of the days to come. Today an amazing young man was called home. He touched so many of us here in this crazy world,  and will continue to reach out to many more even now. Andrew is definitely an amazing inspiration!!!  “Heaven was needing a hero ” please listen to this song, I believe that  Andrew truly was, and will continue to be, that hero!!

  23. Janelle Svetlik

    I want to send my prayers to you and your family.
    I feel your pain Hun. I lost my mom
    To pancreatic cancer 4 years ago. And I was by her side when she passed. It’s so hard to lose someone you love but you know they are in a better place and no longer suffering.
    remember he will always be by your side 24/7 365 days a year.

    God bless you and your family.

  24. michele

    Absolutely beautiful tribute to your beloved. I pray for the Holy Spirit to blanket your family with complete peace that he can only give. The untimely loss of such a godly, pure-spirited man baffles even those of us of faith. Andrew’s story is not over, the grace, strength, faith, and courage this experience has revealed in you both will continue to inspire until you are reunited in heavenly eternity before our loving Father. Bless you.

  25. Vicki Holland

    My heart grieves for you and Ellie and family. These days are difficult; you grieve and then you grieve again–only now it is so sharp. Please, allow yourself to grieve however you need to. Cry alone, with family, and with friends. You have been through a lot and are exhausted. Seek some rest.
    You all have been in my thoughts and prayers since the first diagnosis. I will continue to pray for you as you walk through these days and as you try to help your little girl understand. I am so sorry for your loss.
    I’m from PCBC and I’m sorry I didn’t get to know you.

  26. LA

    I cannot imagine the feeling of void and the predicament you’re in as a parent… but indeed, I pray God’s peace over your family.
    As the end of the Nicene Creed says:
    “we look for the resurrection of the dead, and the life of the world to come. Amen.”

  27. Linda Jeary

    Bailey —–May the GOD OF COMFORT be just that —-YOUR COMFORTER —-I have watched and prayed for you as this was your earthly journey and now REJOICE in the SPIRIT with you as Andrew is now with JESUS —-May you draw ever so close as you go forward with Ellie Grace and feel HIS arms around you as THE COMFORTER —–Prayer will continue for each of you —With the LOVE OF CHRIST—from OKC

  28. Lois Scott

    My thoughts & prayers are with you & your precious daughter. I’ve only read about you & don’t personally know you but knowing that your husband is now in heaven is peaceful. I lost my 45yr old husband to cancer in May of this year so I know what you mean when you say you have an emptiness in your heart. God bless you.

  29. Tammy

    Bailey
    You and Ellie and the whole family are in our prayers as you have been throughout this journey.
    Andrew has made all of us better people as he and you have inspired and motivated us to embrace life, love and our Savior.
    Andrew is resting with the Angels and Saints and our precious Lord.
    His legacy is timeless…as He exampled Christ in so many ways.
    We love you all and pray for strength
    And mercy through the days ahead…
    God will guide & direct you
    And so will Andrew….
    God Bless you dear

  30. Claudette Rosales

    I am so sorry for your loss. Your family has never met me but we are connected threw or hearts. the impact Andrew had on my heart and soul is something. I can not explain. I fill the pain you and the family are going threw. And such a amazing man that marked so many lifes. I can not wait until the day I get to meet you Andrew and walk side be side such a amazing man.God has the best right hand man.

  31. Natalie Post

    Such an extraordinary man, with an incredibly inspirational story/journey, has been called home, after touching so many lives. God bless the Heard family, and may comfort be brought to the entire family during this time of loss.

  32. GRACIE SLOVACEK

    THE LORD WILL EASE YOUR PAIN EVERYDAY…HE USED ANDREW TO SET YOUR PATH TO UNDERSTANDING DEATH…YOU WILL AGAIN BE WITH ANDREW AT A LATER TIME…. ALL OUR PRAYERS ARE WITH THE HEARD FAMILY…..YOU HAVE SO MANY CARING FOR YOU ALL…

    GOD BLESS YOU AT THIS TIME OF SORROW.

  33. Kelly Yarbrough

    Dear Bailey-
    Although we have never met, your story has touched my family in such a profound way. Thank you for sharing and opening up your heart.
    You, Andrew, and Ellie are forever in our prayers. God Bless you!

    Kelly Yarbrough and Family

  34. Laura Dobson

    Bailey, I don’t believe we’ve ever met but I too went to Baylor and also lost my husband all too soon. My heart is so heavy for you. I feel your pain and remember the feelings you write about with sadness. You are right, the hole will never fully be healed but God will give you the strength you need to get through each day. I hope our husbands are meeting each other right now in heaven as I introduce myself to you 🙂 Please know that I will be praying for you. This is a journey no one should have to walk down, especially at our age. Know I am here for you.

  35. Judy and Rodney

    Bailey, we are so sad for you and Ellie and all of the family. You have blessed us all by sharing your thoughts as you traveled this unwanted journey. your time together was short, but filled with deep love. Please call if we can do anything for you.

  36. Judy and Rodney

    Not sure where that last line came from_ Love you+

  37. Kristen Kelton George

    My kids attend Liberty and we are all grieving for your family tonight. I too became a widow at a young age. My prayer is that you will grieve at your own speed, remember fully, and keep your heart open. I admire your love and loyalty to Andrew. God Bless.

  38. Steve Becker

    I just found your blog for the first time. I am honored to be praying for your family’s healing and peace through this season. I want to share the following with you in the hope that you find some peace in it.

    Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:1-4 NIV)

    God Bless,
    Steve Becker
    Intersections4Men.com

  39. Jo

    I lost my 25 year old son 4 yrs ago and there isn’t a day that I don’t feel his presence with me. I am so sorry…no words can describe that hole in your heart unless you have experienced it. I have read your blog and wondered every day how Andrew was doing. And I have asked why so many times but I know God has his plan even though we don’t understand it at times like this…God bless you and keep you and precious Ellie.

    • Jess

      We’ve not met. But I am praying for you and your family.

  40. Audrey

    Bailey thank you for sharing such a special moment. You really put your heart and soul out there for everyone. I have to say how his mom put lotion on him and sang to him while you rubbed his feet made me cry like a baby. I called my mom crying my eyes out. I could see my mom doing the same thing for me. I lost my step dad four years ago to cancer and I remember his pain and my mom rubbing him down as well. Bailey you make me want to be a better person and you have made me look at life differently. I am so glad andrew found you. God bless you and your sweet baby girl.

  41. stephanie thompson garza

    I pray that Jesus’s Love surrounds you Bailey, Ellie, and the family and that you hold onto that Love as tight as you can. May the Lord lift your spirits up when you are down and bring you the comfort only the Lord can bring. God bless yall. my deepest condolonces

  42. Kelly Lowe

    What beautiful words. I wanted to share my friends site called One Fit Widow on Facebook. It is led by my friend who also experienced the loss of her husband. I will pray for you and your family.

  43. Melodie

    Bailey,
    I do not know you not have we ever met but I’ve been following this journey through FB and it touched me to my very core the incredible love you had for one another. I feel your pain in each and every word and am praying you find peace and comfort knowing your husband is now resting in the arms of our Lord and will forever watch over you and your little girl. Saying extra prayers for you both and the rest of your family as well. May you be surrounded by Gods love and your precious memories always!

  44. Donna McCutcheon

    Dear Bailey,
    I am so sorry for all that you, Andrew and your families have gone through. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. May peace be with you.

  45. Terri Low

    Andrew impacted so many lives for The Lord. Your family is in my prayers.

  46. Jewell

    Bailey, I am a friend of your Aunt Betsy and Uncle Brad. Our family has been praying for you ever since we heard. I think you and Andrew are absolutely amazing and I know your family is very proud of you. I cannot imagine going through what you and Andrew have and will continue to go through. Please know we are praying for you for God to wrap His loving arms around you and carry you through this time.

  47. Shawn Hedrick

    God saw You were getting tire
    And a cure was not to be
    so he put His arms around Andrew
    And whispered “Come to Me”

    A Golden Heart
    stopped beating
    Hard working
    Hands now rest

    God broke our
    Hearts to prove to Us
    He only takes the best….

    Dear Sweet Bailey,

    Thank You so much for sharing Your Tribute to Andrew with Us..( You definitely can tell you wrote it from your heart…. <3 )You all have been on my thoughts and prayers all day…I also want to Thank You for sharing Andrew with the World..Sweetie You all have touch so many lives through sharing your story..
    May God give You the strength when You need it and wrap his arms around you and bring You peace and comfort….

    Love In Christ ,

    Shawn Hedrick

  48. Marianne Lamb

    Bailey, you are and have always been such a great role model for young girls and in the past years girls of all ages! You and Andrew touched so many lives and you will never know how far reaching that goes! We have been in prayer for you and the entire family through his illness and will continue to pray for you and the family and for great strength in the following days, weeks and longer. We love you!

  49. Mary Polansky

    God bless you all. As I said earlier, take time to mourn. Andrew will help you through.
    Pray to him because I’m sure he went straight to heaven.

  50. Ashley Blair Doyle

    Dear Bailey…

    You don’t know me. And I never met Andrew in person but knew him online through Nicole Jasien as she had invited him into a FB cancer support group I had made called Cancer Connection. Andrew contributed several times to the group and inspired so many of us…

    Today my heart hurts for you and your little girl. I was so devastated to learn of Andrew’s passing this morning. I just wanted to tell you, as I have been reading the last few updates of your blogs, that I am sending the highest amount of peace, strength and love to you and everyone that Andrew touched throughout his life. I will always remember his courage and genuine presence in our group.

    Bless you Andrew and your sweet family.

    – Ashley

  51. minnie perez

    Bailey i am sorry for your loss an for your daughter just know he is in haberte spot an he is watching over you.

  52. Roseanne Martin

    I am so sorry Bailey… I don’t even know how to express the sorrow I feel for you and Ellie and all of your family. Andrew is dancing with Jesus but the void he leaves is heartbreaking. Praying for you and all who knew and loved Andrew. May God comfort you with His perfect peace as you move forward. Sending love and prayers.

  53. Chad Ganaway

    Praying for you and all the family! Praying for the peace of Christ, that passeth all understanding!

  54. tim bailey

    Bailey I dont know you other than andrews wife. I knew andrew since he was a young kid. He was good friends with my younger cousin. I talked to him a few times on fb and we would remember the old days when we would play basketball. I to have lost a loved one to the cancer battle and I know your pain to a point. Just know that you and your daughter are in my prayers and thoughts as well as the heard family. God bless. Fly high with the angels Andrew.

  55. Korina Police

    What a beautiful memory.. prayers are with you…

  56. Janice and Ken Putnam

    Dear Bailey. Ken and I feel blessed to have known Andrew. You were such a blessing to him. The friendship Andrew and Michael had was truly from our Lord and I am thankful for it. You and all of the family continue to be in our hearts and prayers.

  57. Erin

    Bailey, you don’t know me. I heard Andrew speak at Northside Baptist Church last November. His story, your story made such an impact on me. I left that day in tears & have thought of your sweet family since. Maybe its because I too am 30. My husband and I are a young married couple with a 2 year old as well. I couldn’t then & I can’t now begin to imagine your pain; all my words feel empty. I have followed both your blogs and have prayed so hard that Andrew would get his miracle. But I’ve also prayed for God’s will. I’ve asked the Lord to do the thing that will further His kingdom most. I’ve experienced tragedy in my short life, but am thankful because tragedy is what brings us close to HIM. Through hardships, we get the amazing feeling of being held by our God, our Father, our faithful friend who is always with us. Like I said, my words feel empty & meaningless. I am praying you & Ellie feel the peace & comfort that only our Heavenly Father can provide. That you feel Him holding you. That He provides your every need at this time. And, that God will continue to use Andrew’s life (and now his death) to reach others. My life is forever changed. And I’m sure many other lives are too. Thanks for sharing your life with us. May God bless you as you & Andrew have blessed me.

  58. Betsy and Brian George

    Been praying for your family so much over these last couple weeks. You’re so brave and encouraging and you are going to raise a wonderful little girl who knows how much her daddy loved her. We will be praying for your strength during this next transition. Stay strong sweet girl.

    Betsy and Brian

  59. Becky

    My heart sank when I read your blog. I suppose that is in part because I cannot imagine bearing what you went through. When I do try, I realize very little separates us…it could have just as easily been my family. The pain is now gone for Andrew, may your pain be eased in the same way you helped him, with love, being surrounded by those that mean the most. Prayers for strength and understanding. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. God bless you and your family.

  60. Christi

    Bailey,
    I’m so sorry for your loss and want you to know that I’m praying for you and Ellie. Your sweet love story is touching and I pray you feel The Lord holding your broken heart. (Matthew 5:4)
    “Do not be afraid, do not be terrified, I am The Lord Your God and I will go with you wherever you go. I will never leave you nor forsake you. ” Duet 3:16
    In Him,
    Christi
    chi omega sister

  61. stateofwonderment

    Oh sweet Bailey, I wept as I read this post, as I’ve wept while reading many of your posts. I know we haven’t seen each other in so long, and that we were never close friends in high school, but please know I truly love you and care about you. I have thought about you all and prayed for you all so many, many times over the past months. I do not say that to try and make myself sound good, but to let you know I will continue in fervent prayers for you all. I will not stop.

    I will not try to share any words of wisdom with you because I know how well-meaning people can be, but through my own deep suffering, have seen how damaging people’s comments and “feeling like they have to say something” can be. So I do not want to do that.

    I just wanted to share that I am so proud of you. I know that may sound silly, but I am. I have been thanking God for so many things, including that He has given you the ability to be open and honest and share yourself with all of us. That takes great strength and peace from The Lord.

    I don’t mean this to sound trite, because I completely and totally mean it… Although I am weeping for you right now, I just smiled at the picture of you in heaven one day with Andrew and how you will both be rewarded by our Papa God for all the suffering you have gone through. I could just feel the joy and peace you will feel, and I could feel Him saying “Well done, good and faithful servant.” 🙂

    I know that your pain is great right now, so I do not say those things to make you feel that you have to “stay strong”. I just shared them because I felt led to.

    Please do not let the pressures from those well-meaning people around you convince you that you must somehow “stay strong” through this. I am praying fervently that The Lord would help you to just grieve and fall apart in the way that you need to. There is NO shame at all in that. God is close to the brokenhearted, and He binds up their wounds. BUT He also was “well-acquainted with grief”, a “man of sorrows”, and He wept many times in His life on earth and He is God! 🙂

    So please, just let go and let Him love you. Please don’t even let what I’m saying feel like pressure to you. 🙂 You are FREE to be however you are, whether that’s weeping and weeping, angry, confused, numb, joyful, at peace… Whatever “grief stage” you are in. Just please don’t let the devil, your own flesh, or anyone else convince you that letting go like that isn’t “staying strong”.

    We are our strongest when we are at our weakest. It’s the weirdest paradox ever 🙂 but it’s true. He is soooo near to those who are brokenhearted and hurting. He doesn’t pressure you. So if you feel or hear condemnation, know you are free to let it go. Romans 8, all the verses about Jesus being “our High Priest who sympathizes with us” “like a mother who longs to comfort her children” “the man of sorrows” “tempted and tried in every way” “well-acquainted with grief”, etc…

    They all really comfort me, and I am praying that the Holy Spirit would lovingly and gently allow the realities of these amazing truths to seep down deep into you and your families, freeing you from all preconceived ideas and pretense of “how you should respond”. You are free. “For freedom He set us free.”

    Another passage that greatly comforts me and frees me to grieve my sufferings and draw close to The Lord and let Him wrap me up in His arms, is the passage where Lazarus dies. Jesus was VERY close to Lazarus and his family. While He is gone in another city, Lazarus dies. Jesus, in His Godness, even knows He is about to raise Lazarus from the dead, but He weeps and grieves openly. He is perfect and without sin, so let that free you that breaking down and grieving and weeping is not some kind of weakness or sin or not responding well. Those are lies. You are free to curl up in His arms, stay there, and completely let go. He will not drop you or let to, ever. 🙂 I love you and will continually be praying for you. 🙂

    “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
    ~Matthew 11:28-29

    “a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief… Surely he has borne our griefs
    and carried our sorrows;
    …But he was pierced for our transgressions;
    he was crushed for our iniquities;
    upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace”
    ~Isaiah 53

    “Now a man named Lazarus was sick. He was from Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 (This Mary, whose brother Lazarus now lay sick, was the same one who poured perfume on the Lord and wiped his feet with her hair.) 3 So the sisters sent word to Jesus, “Lord, the one you love is sick.”

    4 When he heard this, Jesus said, “This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God’s glory so that God’s Son may be glorified through it.” 5 Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 6 So when he heard that Lazarus was sick, he stayed where he was two more days, 7 and then he said to his disciples, “Let us go back to Judea.”

    8 “But Rabbi,” they said, “a short while ago the Jews there tried to stone you, and yet you are going back?”

    9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours of daylight? Anyone who walks in the daytime will not stumble, for they see by this world’s light. 10 It is when a person walks at night that they stumble, for they have no light.”

    11 After he had said this, he went on to tell them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I am going there to wake him up.”

    12 His disciples replied, “Lord, if he sleeps, he will get better.” 13 Jesus had been speaking of his death, but his disciples thought he meant natural sleep.

    14 So then he told them plainly, “Lazarus is dead, 15 and for your sake I am glad I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.”…

    Jesus Comforts the Sisters of Lazarus

    17 On his arrival, Jesus found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb for four days. 18 Now Bethany was less than two miles[b] from Jerusalem, 19 and many Jews had come to Martha and Mary to comfort them in the loss of their brother. 20 When Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went out to meet him, but Mary stayed at home.

    21 “Lord,” Martha said to Jesus, “if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But I know that even now God will give you whatever you ask.”

    23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.”

    24 Martha answered, “I know he will rise again in the resurrection at the last day.”

    25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; 26 and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?”

    27 “Yes, Lord,” she replied, “I believe that you are the Messiah, the Son of God, who is to come into the world.”

    28 After she had said this, she went back and called her sister Mary aside. “The Teacher is here,” she said, “and is asking for you.” 29 When Mary heard this, she got up quickly and went to him. 30 Now Jesus had not yet entered the village, but was still at the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who had been with Mary in the house, comforting her, noticed how quickly she got up and went out, they followed her, supposing she was going to the tomb to mourn there.

    32 When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.”

    33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. 34 “Where have you laid him?” he asked.

    “Come and see, Lord,” they replied.

    35 Jesus wept.

    36 Then the Jews said, “See how he loved him!”

    37 But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?”

    Jesus Raises Lazarus From the Dead

    38 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39 “Take away the stone,” he said.

    “But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”

    40 Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

    41 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

    43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

    Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”
    ~John 11

  62. stateofwonderment

    PS- Just to clarify: “stateofwonderment” is my old blog. This is Mandy Morrison. 🙂

  63. Peggy Powell

    Precious Bailey,
    May God’s peace embrace your heart and mind as you walk through these days.
    Keep writing. You are blessing all of us. Surely the Lord is holding you close to His heart. Love, Peggy

  64. tammywoodall5

    You and Andrew have touched our lives in ways you will never know. Our hearts are breaking for you now and at the same time celebrating for Andrew. Prayers will be lifted daily for you. With heartfelt love, Tammy Woodall