Hello Everyone!
It’s been a while since my last post and a lot has happened with the Heards. I think you all know by now, but the day before Andrew’s 30th birthday (Nov. 29th) we found out that Andrew’s tumor had shrunk significantly! It was the best news we’ve received throughout this whole process. We literally broke out our best dance moves in the doctor’s office when he told us! Andrew had a great birthday filled with lots of love from all of your messages on fb and his sweet co-workers brought over dinner and presents to celebrate.
Today is my birthday and I’m not sure I would have pictured myself at M.D. Anderson sitting next to my 30-year-old husband while he takes chemo, but that is where we find ourselves. Today I’ve had time to reflect on the past 28 years of my life. Out of every year I’ve been alive this past year as been the most monumental. Basically cancer kicked my badonkas in gear. It was my reminder to wake up and start living. Throughout the past five years I found myself paralyzed by fear, doubt and complacency to the point where I was not truly living but merely existing. Andrew’s cancer hit me like a semi and reminded me that all my fears are illusions and that I have a choice to live based on my false perceptions or I could live fearlessly and trust that everything will work out.
I had many other monumental moments this year. I’ve built a great relationship with my in-laws, created healthy boundaries with my family, took a leap of faith and moved to a small town, I’ve decided to stop dreaming and start doing when it comes to my career. I’ve stepped into the role of mommy and I’ve helped walk my husband through his battle with cancer. For all these reasons and more my confidence has sky rocketed. All the little things I got hung up on fade to the background. I used to care so much about what everyone thought of me. If someone didn’t like me I obsessed over it. I used to run from pain and conflict and now I embrace it and grow through it.
Most importantly, I’m finding my voice. Deep down we all want to be loved for exactly who we are. After college, I went on a journey to truly discover who I was and what I wanted a part from what everyone wanted for me. It’s a continuous journey, but I’m learning something new everyday about my self and the message I feel God’s put on my heart to share with the world. It’s hard to measure personal growth, but sitting here today I feel that I am truly growing up! Much Love.
http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/Andrew-Bailey-s-journey/25851
Seriously…SO proud of you!!! Love you and cherish you with ALL my heart!!!
Beautifully said Bailey! I know that the walk you are on is a difficult one. There will be good days and there will be bad days. There will be moments of sorrow, anger, disappointment and loneliness–but there will also be moments of joy and elation (such as the news that the tumor is shrinking)!
It is hard to see someone you love so much go through so much pain. It is hard to accept the uncertainity that cancer brings. It is hard just living the cancer life. Sometimes you just put one foot in front of the other and make it through the day. Just know that it is going to be alright. It may not be the road you planned, but you don’t know what God has in store for you. What you do know is that you have people who love you and that God is holding you in the palm of his hand.
You touched me when you mentioned that you are on a journey. It is a saying that I use often because I truly believe our lives are a journey. I know that Ronnie and I wouldn’t be the people that we are now without cancer. Jacob wouldn’t be here if we hadn’t lived through cancer. Maybe our marriage would have failed. Who knows?
If you had asked me then, I would have said that cancer was the worst thing that ever happened to us. Twenty five years later, I have a different view. We were young. We grew up fast, but we grew up together. There were times that I screwed up and there were times that Ronnie screwed up, but we stuck together and it made us stronger. In both the darkest and brightest of moments, you have each other, you have Ellie and you have God. I know it is hard to believe, but the memories won’t all be bad ones. All these years later, we still talk about jokes that the nurses played on us in the hospital; the love we felt from our doctor and the hospital staff; and that the smell of “Obsession” perfume still makes Ronnie nauseous (his main nurse wore it)! Thank goodness it isn’t popular anymore. I remember when Ronnie decided to stop taking his treatments early. His Oncology nurse (the one that wore Obsession) drove all the way from Baylor Hospital (Big Baylor) to our house in Lancaster (about 30 miles) to take him to lunch. She wanted to convince him to continue his treatments.
You will meet all sorts of wonderful people on this journey who will touch your life and who you will never forget. You and Andrew are miles ahead of where we were at this point in dealing with cancer. You are touching others through your journey and we thank you.
Happy Birthday Bailey Heard. We love you!
Nancy