I’m not going to lie. The past week has been emotionally difficult. I figured based on my personality that the hardest part of this journey for me would come after Andrew passed. What I couldn’t anticipate was what I would feel like each day. I feel like a ton of bricks are strapped to my chest. It’s a heartbroken and heavy feeling. Everyday things like getting out of bed and getting out of the house feel like a challenge. It feels similar to the depression I experienced after college except my mind is in a stronger place. I’ve had days where I just miss everything about him. We were the best of friends and now I feel this emptiness inside of me.
On top of those feelings my two-year-old daughter and I have had some tough conversations. The night of Andrew’s memorial I was rocking Ellie to sleep and she told me this, “I miss daddy and I so sad.” Up until this point she only asked for him a couple of times. Since that day, every time she see’s Andrew’s dad (her papa) she yells, “Dada.” A couple of days ago she told me she wanted to go home (El and I came to Dallas for the week) because daddy was there and when I told her that he was in our hearts she told me this, “But I need him.” It broke my heart. Today we went to The Village Church with my parents and I brought Ellie in to sing worship and when she saw the speaker she yelled out, “Dada” because she has seen her dad speak at churches. Then she hugged me and told me, “I miss daddy.”
As a mother, it makes me so sad to see Ellie hurting and to know that there is nothing I can do to fix her pain. I can tell being around my parents that they so badly want to make it all better for us, but know that they can’t. My world just feels strange right now because I don’t know what my new normal will be. I’m in a transition period and a mourning period, but motherhood doesn’t stop and responsibilities don’t stop. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it all the best that I can. I know that I will rise to the occasion, but for now I’m allowing myself some time to grieve.
I’ve enjoyed getting to read everyone’s fb messages, gifts, cards, etc. Reading your words of encouragement help put a smile on my face and remind me that everything will be ok. Thank you for loving my family and me so well. Thank you also for giving me the space and time I need to work through the loss of my love. Your prayers give me the strength I need to get through each day. Full of love and gratitude, Bailey
Dear Sweet Bailey, I know how you feel with ton of bricks on your chest and the emptiness, as I have been going thru this for the past four months. I want you to know that we love you and are praying for you and Ellie . I understand about your Mom and Dad wanting to fix it and one thing that has helped me is receiving hugs to help gain gain some of the strength from the person giving me the hugs. May God keep his arms around you and Ellie
I am praying for you an el an i hope you geth through this rough time just know andrew is waching over yall an he loves yall dearly.
Dear Bailey,
I do not know you personally, but I am Lauren Johnson’s mom from Liberty. Lauren was one of your cheer students, and from what I can tell, just one of many students who love and admire you :). I have followed your family’s journey, and I just want to tell you how much you have touched my heart and how many prayers have been silently sent your (and Ellie’s) way. Your faithfulness and grace have been an inspiration to me and to countless others. Thank you for being so open and honest. Sending love, blessings, and big hugs your way.
Bailey, I was led to your blog a few days ago and started reading about Andrew. My heart dropped when I went to his page and found that he had just passed. Needless to say I felt the sorrow somehow, through visiting just those short few posts.
I lift you and your little one in prayer to the God of all comfort and pray that you will feel His everlasting arms holding you up through this very difficult time. I pray that He will give you the right words to say to your daughter and eventually replace your tears with joy.
I ordered Andrew’s book this morning. Hoping this poem will give you a little glimmer of hope as you rest in Him. God bless.
HOPE
Thou the raging storms assail us,
Thou the mighty oceans roar,
The blessed Lord, He always leads us,
Gently to the distant shore.
Life may seem forever hurting,
Tears they flow as if no end,
But they’re counted, tearfully cherished,
In His bottle. He will mend.
Long to gaze upon His beauty,
Gorgeous fragrance of blooms so sweet,
They just sit and silently flourish,
Waiting at the Saviour’s feet.
Without the rain, there would be no pain,
No cleansing of the hurts within,
Fresh life would not, no never find,
An end to all this suffering.
He is for us
He is with us
He is all we need to be
Forever grateful
Forever loving
Forever our lives entwined with Thee
Prayers….
My heart cries for you and Elle in your grief but Our God is a Loving God and He will take care of you and Elle. Andrew is watching over you also and he is so proud of the both of you. I wish I could take away your pain but since I can’t I’m praying for you all. May God Bestow His Richest Blessings Upon you all. Shalom and Shalom!!! Roma
You are a really good writer. Maybe God will lead you in that direction some day in the future. So sorry for your loss. I’m so glad you have the Lord.
God bless you and your sweet baby. You’re all in my heart.
Bailey,
I think and pray for you,Ellie and your families everyday. My prayer is that you will continue to feel the love of Our Heavenly Father! I am almost finished with Andrew’s book. What an amazing book! I bet he is getting all of his questions answered as we speak! Both of you are an incredible example to all. Continue to lean on The Lord !
The steadfast love of The Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end ; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.Lamentations 3:22-23
Hugs from the Halls
Katherine
Our prayers are with you. May God wrap His loving arms around you and shower you with His love and care. Praying that you will continue to find strength and comfort from God’s Word. He loves you SO very much. Praying for you during this difficult time.
So much love and many prayers for you and Ellie. I don’t know what else to say, only that I am praying for you all the time.
So good that you have so many loving friends and family. Just keep getting out with Ellie and getting all the hugs that they give. We are far away, but know that we are sending our love in His spirit.
love, Elsie & Fran Moriarty
Bailey,
I pray The Lord will comfort you and Ellie. May He comfort your broken hearts.
Sweet Bailey, As I shared with Chancey how i know you, I could not help but smile and laugh. I smile because of your sweet, loving, genuine, and God fearing personality. I smile because I remember the first time i ever got involved in a church was with you. I smile because I remember those sweet moments where you encouraged me to follow our Savior. I smile because you are you. I laugh because I remember the crazy fun times we had in the gym. The times when you would get us all thru a time workout by striving to have a grateful and positive attitude. The moments when you would chant “5 minutes and all is well.” Which ended up getting passed on even after your years of gymnastics ended. I laugh because i remember your cute pet piglet. My heart is hurting for yall. We are mourning with you. It was you whom i learned what it meant to be a “light” to those who don’t know the Lord. That the most important way to share Christ’s love for us all was to display it in our lives. You, my dear, have always been a blessing to me, as well as others. And again…you still manage to teach me what it means to “live a life as His chosen child.” I cry with you as I read your post. I pray for you, while praising God for the spirit He has and will continue to give you. I so badly want to give you a long hug and squeeze Ellie tightly. I wish there was more i could do to help you thru this, but i know I can’t. So i pray, and pray some more. I love you and if you ever need anything, let us know!
It is okay to cry. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to pitch a completely emotional hissy fit. Cry out to God with all your might. Grieving is truly a tough job and one that takes God’s timing to fill the emptiness. No one understands like HE DOES. Open your heart to let His angels minister to your deepest needs. They are there my friend, feel their presence. “Angels are spirits sent from God to care for those who receive salvation.” Hebrews 1:14. God’s love and care surrounds you.
Praying for you & Ellie!! Praying your memories will be strong and powerful and your hurt to be easied. May God bless you both as you walk this journey.
Blessings,
Carol
Celina, TX
Praying for you! I know this is no easy or enjoyable season. I pray that the Lord would grant you lots of little blessings through out your days and moments that leave you smiling in the midst of your pain. I pray also for your daughters heart and that the Lord would comfort her while she too misses her daddy.