Heard Ya

Happy New Year’s Eve!!  Guess where I am?  Yep, M.D. Anderson!  I’m pretty sure I’ve spent almost every major special event (anniversary, birthday, New Years Eve) in this place J   I hope you had a wonderful Christmas with your friends and family.  The holidays are always a whirlwind.  It’s been awhile since I last updated you on Andrew, so I thought I’d use today’s post to fill you in on his progress.

Andrew did not recover well from chemo round 3.  It took him at least 10 days and then he still doesn’t feel like he’s fully recovered as we head into round 4 today.  Not only has he been physically ill, but mentally he has been struggling with depression.  At times it really scared me how depressed he got.  A few nights ago we had another scare when he coughed up some blood.  He was afraid that the tumor was growing back in his airway.  He has also been having pain in his arm where the cancer is.

Lately, I’ve caught myself daydreaming about Ellie asking for her dad over and over again and not knowing what to tell her.  I cried on Andrew’s chest a couple of nights ago thinking about losing him.  90% of the time I do not let my mind wander to those kinds of thoughts, but occasionally I have a raw moment where it hits me in a particular way and I just need to release the pain.  I still believe that the tumor is shrinking and that he is just months away from being cured, but the truth is nothing is certain.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve written New Years resolutions.  I set physical, spiritual, family and career goals for the year.  Usually I set really high goals, stick to them for a week or two and then stop and beat myself up because I didn’t follow through on my commitments.  I’ve always been impatient when it comes to reaching my goals.  When I was a competitive gymnast and frustrated because I couldn‘t master a skill that I learned that day my coach would say, “Bailey, Rome wasn’t built in a day.”

The more life experience I gain the more I realize that anything you really want takes time to achieve.  So this year my approach is slow and steady wins the race.  What matters most to me is the quality of my life.  My motivation has changed for wanting the things I wanted before.  I still want the same things, but I now have a deeper motivation to achieve them.  I want to eat healthy and workout because I want energy to take care and play with my family.  I want to be a successful life coach because I want to contribute my life experiences and encourage others going through challenging times.  As I’m achieving my goals I want to help other’s reach their own.  I want to connect with my Creator on a deeper level because I want to trust Him more.  I want to set intentional time with my family and create beautiful memories because they are a gift from God.

Not sure if you are a resolutions kind of person, but I encourage you to take time to reflect on this past year.  What brought you joy?  What brought you pain?  Look at the quality of your relationships with others and with yourself.  What can you do to improve your quality of life this year?  I plan on being in the present more as I’m realizing that the present is all that we really have.  I would love to hear your intentions for 2013.

I want to thank you for blessing my family this year with your love, prayers and support.  I’ve been deeply touched and changed by your radical love for us.  Know that Andrew and I count you as one of our many blessings!  Have a happy happy New Year!!!