It’s 9:00 pm and I’m writing to you from M.D. Anderson Outpatient MRI center. Welcome to my new life. It’s an adventure filled with daily road trips to Houston and zapping treatments. Yesterday I looked around the waiting room while Andrew was getting radiation and realized that everyone getting this treatment was 55-85 years old. It seemed so strange to me that we are dealing with cancer at this stage in our lives. I feel like I should be thinking about expanding my family not worrying about losing my family.
Ever since we met with the radiation doctor last week I’ve had to pull myself up out of a deep funk. So let me give you a little recap. Basically our oncologist has been so uplifting and positive even though the odds aren’t necessarily in our favor. He’s been encouraging us by saying Andrew doesn’t fit his usual statistics. So when our oncologist sent us to the radiation specialist we were thinking they would be on the same page. We were completely blindsided when the radiation specialist acted like all he could do was try and prolong Andrew’s life. We felt completely deflated and were not expecting to get that kind of response. We emailed our oncologist to ask why we got such a negative response from the other doctor and he responded by telling us that the doctor didn’t have enough information to make that conclusion. We felt a little better after hearing his response, but I can’t deny that the radiation specialist’s negativity has stayed with me way longer then I would like to admit.
In the beginning, it wasn’t a challenge for me to stay positive partly because our doctor seemed so hopeful and because I felt confident that the medicine would work. Now that we are on phase 2 I’m finding it more challenging to not be a worry wart. I just sometimes can’t even believe this is happening. It feels surreal. You never imagine your life coming to a cross roads like this and when it happens all you can do is fight and pray. What’s strange to me is that even though I don’t really understand why this is all happening I feel like everything is going to be ok. It doesn’t make any sense to me why I should feel this way, but I do. I think it’s all the prayers, positive energy, and whatever else you all are sending my way!
I spent quite a few years after college wrestling with the idea of John the Baptist and why Jesus didn’t come through for him. I think I took so long to deal with that because it really bothered me that Jesus would allow this to happen to someone who was so faithful to him when He could have done something about it. If that could happen to John the Baptist couldn’t it happen to me? In a way, it has. What’s crazy is wrestling with it in my mind and experiencing it have been two different things. For some reason it was more challenging to deal with emotionally whereas now it still upsets me, but I feel at peace. Jesus said blessed are those who don’t fall away on account of me. In the end I choose to trust even when it doesn’t make sense. I’m not going to lie and say this is easy for me because it’s still a daily challenge in my faith, but understanding with my head and understanding with my heart have proved to be two very different things.
Over the last 5 years I’ve really wrestled with my faith and I have to say experiencing God over the past 5 months has ignited a renewal of my faith. It might not look exactly like it did before, but I believe it’s going to be better, deeper, richer then I could ever imagine. Thank you for being a part of my faith journey through your prayers, love, generosity and encouragement. I’ve got mad love for you J
P.S. Dear English teachers, please cut me some slack tonight on my terrible grammar. I promise I’m working on it! Thanks J
http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/Andrew-Bailey-s-journey/25851
Thank you so much for giving. We really appreciate it. The medical bills have added a whole new level of stress and we can’t tell you how much your generosity has blessed us. Just want you to know how grateful we are.
You are all are in my prayers. Thank you for sharing your story.
Love you three so much. Just can’t believe how much you are going through. We have to believe in the optimism of the oncologist, because the thought of the radiologists point of view is unacceptable. We have to believe that Andrew is the exception and is here to break the norm. There is nothing normal about that man– never has been. I mean that in the most complimentary way! Consider us your cheerleaders of cancer treatments. Give your man a squeeze for us. Hug that baby girl too.
Bailey, thanks for sharing. This sentence in your blog says it all.
In the end I choose to trust even when it doesn’t make sense.
Thanks for sharing your heart with us. You are not alone. Praying for you and your family.
Much love,
Betty Black
SMB Enterprises, Inc
“We Finish the Job”
O-940-383-2370
C-940-367-1920
F-940-243-2333
Sweet Bailey, For those friends in the Cuero area, they can stop by or mail checks to Trust Texas Bank, Benefit Account for Andrew Heard, P.O. Box 808 Cuero, Tx 77954. Love you,Sharon
Happy to hear you are hanging in there and staying strong,Praise and glory to almighty God ! He is hearing our prayers.I think somethings we will never understand till we go to heaven. But just keep the faith no matter how things seem , or what others say. I also pray for the doctors to help Andrew, But I know where his healing is truly coming from, If it is God’s will.When worry or hurt creeps in , just start praying and God will calm you. Take it one day at a time. And keep in mind somebody somewhere is praying for you. And when you can remenber, smile…it feels good. Still praying, God blesses your little family and that He meets all your needs .
Bailey,
We continue our prayers for Andrew, you & Ellie Grace…..praying that the Holy Spirit bring you continued peace beyond the circumstances. Praying for a true healing!! We are amazed by your & Andrews strength made possible through a Lord that works through the supernatural.
God Bless you all !
Pray numerous times a day that you see Gods Mercy & Love & Grace.
Love y’all
Tammy Sent from my iPhone
Dear Ones, Ron & I have been praying for you. I sent an email earlier but I wanted to let you know that you are prayed for each day. Our prayer from the day that we found out has been for a total relaxed peace for you both. God is in control and will give you his strength, courage, grace and his love. Bless you, The Cartes, Ron & Marie
Bailey, your post breaks my heart. As a parent we worry about dying and leaving our children behind. Although once we are in heaven we would never want to leave. I am prayomg for you to feel The Lord holding you up as if you could not stand alone. Your shoulders cannot bear the weight that is on them without the God loving you, calming you, whispering to you that you and El will be okay…trust only in Me. Although I don’t know you personally, I love how honest you are with your feelings and frustrations. I wish I could be more like that. But I pray for your family to keep having this hard, chest clenching, sobbing talks. When you are broken and have no protective wall, then you will say what your heart needs to say. You will speak to each other in a most loving tone that is the nearest to perfection, even while we are sinners. There is an urgency to talk about a lot things that need to be done for the days to come. Things as a couple you want be able to hold on to and share as a family. This might be silly family stories, what makes you love each other the most, Andrew to write a letter to the Godly husband El will have letting him know how much she means to him and some tips to staying married, even a note recorded in his voice for her first day of school, beginning high school, graduation and so on. It will be a living piece of Andrew to share. And Andrew has said in his blog just LOVE. If you have 12 weeks spend them loving, if you have 12 years spend them loving AND when your MERICLE HAPPENS spend the time you having loving on anybody that will let you.
I pray with all that is in me for a miricle if that is what God’s will is!!! And either way let this you have be intimately yours again where all walls are down. Cry, hold each other tightly, speak from deap within your souls and mostly love on each other. Thank you for sharing your story, our family has been through this process a lot in past 11 years having lost a child and both of our dads. I truly don’t wish anyone to go through what have because having lost hard, i can physically feel your pain from my experiences but cannot relate to your exact situation. My heartfelt prayer is for a peace only God can give your entire family on both sides. Your sister in Christ ~ Courtney Middleton – Sides