This week has been a beast. I feel like I’ve had a crash course in how to handle cancer 101. Last Saturday we headed to M.D. Anderson to get his first round of chemo treatment. Shockingly, the treatment went smoothly without any sickness. We had a private room and our nurse was fabulous. I wasn’t sure what to expect with chemo, but I was nervous about the process. On the drive to the hospital, Andrew curled into a ball with his pillow and blanket and secretly cried. He told me he had a dream that he died. I replied by telling him that he had just worked himself up. Andrew has such a psychological connection to his chemo experience from the past that he makes himself physically sick thinking about getting treatment. He told me that he promised himself 11 years ago that he would die before putting himself through chemo again. After the eight hours of treatment, he seemed hopeful that this experience would be better then the last.
We went to dinner after leaving M.D. Anderson and as we were finishing up Andrew started feeling pretty sick. Almost immediately his mood changed. He started to become irrational and irritable. It was so unlike him to act this way. I knew the medicine must have just kicked in. For the first few days I felt like the mother of an ungrateful teenager. Apparently cancer is like pregnancy because the day after his treatment he had me running all over town to satisfy his cravings. It seemed like nothing I did was good enough. I was sure his mood swings and verbal lashings (I’m being a bit dramatic but to a sensitive person that’s what if felt like) were coming from his medicine, but it was hard for me to handle emotionally. In some ways it made me want to back off so that I didn’t get attacked and yet another part of me felt guilty for not meeting is immediate needs.
Another challenge for me was balancing taking care of my 20 month old and taking care of Andrew. We are blessed to have Andrew’s mom stay home to help with Andrew and my mom came in to help with Ellie. It was frustrating when my daughter wanted to crawl in the bath with daddy or jump on him in the bed and I would have to pull her away as she cried for daddy. I found myself more focused on her needs in order to give Andrew quiet time to rest. It is a helpless feeling when there is pretty much nothing you can do to help your husband.
He has been sick for 5 days and I’m praying that he feels like a new man tomorrow. Saturday is our 5 year anniversary. Last year we were in talks of planning a special trip for this marital milestone! Let’s just say the visual in my head didn’t look anything like a trip to M.D. Anderson, but hey that’s life. A friend of the Heard’s offered us his condo for the weekend in Rockport, so hopefully if Andrew is feeling up to it we will have a nice romantic weekend. If not we will celebrate in our living room in Cuero, TX!! I’m just grateful to be celebrating five wonderful years with my Andy Roo Roo (this is my love nickname for my man). All in all this has been a learning process and I have so much room to grow. I’m taking it one day at a time and trying to be patient with Andrew and myself as we navigate these new waters. Thank you again for following our crazy adventure. Loads of Love!
P.S. Please forgive the grammar. I take full responsibility for being a mush brain tonight 🙂
Praying for you sweet Bailey. God bless you.
Bailey – Being a caretaker is an enormous job especially with a baby! Andrew and Ellie do need you, but you need to take time for yourself too. When’s the last time you had a pedicure or manicure? You need to fill up to keep running for both of them. I have 2 grandkids (16 months and 5 yrs.) so my house is full of toys, kid items and kid safe. If you need a sitter I’d be happy to keep Ellie for you any time! Fervently praying for all of you! Hugs!
Bailey,
We are praying for you daily and keep up with your mom. I went through all of this with my mom , it is all very normal. It is a very hard time for all involved. You have to take time for yourself, don’t feel guilty , you are great! Don’t be afraid to reach out for help, let people help you , I wish I would have had help, you need to take care of yourself to take care of Ellie and Andrew . Love you guys and prayers are your way.
Bailey, reading your story with a heavy heart, but trusting God to hold you in His hand. Love and prayers – Rachael (from kamp)
Our prayers continue for you and Andrew and hopes that he will feel better and whip this! He is a tough fighter and your strength and encouragement will help him big time in such a time of need. We love you all and pray for healing!
I know it isn’t easy…..but keep your chin up and keep the faith.
Sweet Bailey praying for supernatural strength for you and Andrew. Praying for the chemo to hunt down every “bad” cell. Praying for a sweet time on your anniversary! We love you!
The Parker’s
Bailey, I agree with Alice. You need to take care of your self also. I wish that I could be there for you but know that you and Andrew are very much in my thoughts and prayers. Tootie
My heart aches for your sorrow. Such youth and beauty both of you gush. I pray daily sometimes I find myself doing it minute by minute. I want so deeply for Andrew to be the one percenter. All things are possible. Know that you are never alone. I go for my three month check up on Thursday. Im scared excited and hopeful all at once. Truth is we are covered.
Liz
Hi Bailey,
Just wanted to drop u a line about a caregiver support group that might be helpful for you called Livestrong. There services are free and they are based in Austin. The website is: http://www.livestrong.org/gethelp. I am so sorry that you and your family are going through this and I can’t even imagine the hell you must all be going through. For the nausea, maybe your husband can be prescribed some zofran, if he isn’t taking it already.
Hugs and well wishes for a better week next week than this past week..
Barbara