You know the saying “When it rains, it pours.” Well, it’s true. It’s been less then two months since Andrew passed away and last Thursday my sweet grandmother went home to be with the Lord. My Nanny (that’s what everyone called her) lived a long (approaching age 89) and beautiful life filled with so much joy, laughter and love. She was the only grandparent I ever had a relationship with and it was a very special one!
I was honored to speak at her service and to share about the ways she shaped me into the person I am today. Nanny planted the seeds of faith in my life long ago when she taught me my first prayer. She lived with us and slept in my room. Each night, before bed, she would lead me in a prayer. “Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to keep. If I should die before I wake I pray the Lord my soul to take.” After the prayer we would name everyone in our family and ask God to bless them. I started wanting to know more about God and Heaven and we would stay up late into the night discussing the mysteries of God. The other way my Nanny shaped me was through her love for people. She taught me how to really “see” someone. To acknowledge people and to bring them in and thus making them feel like family. I do my best to allow loving God and loving people to guide my life and it all began by watching Nanny.
Seeing the way it should have been done (passing away after living a long life and having a beautiful funeral service filled with kids and grandkids) only reminded me of what could have been with Andrew. I hate that his life was cut short and that he didn’t get the chance to help raise Ellie and experience the joy of watching her grow up. This morning I went into Ellie’s room and she was talking to herself in her crib. I approached her and she told me she was playing. I asked her what she was playing and she said she was playing with Daddy and Colton (her cousin). She was laughing and told me she was pretending. I asked her if she could pretend I was there too because I wanted to be with them. She said, “Yes.”
The day of Nanny’s passing she had all of her kids and most of her grandkids by her side. When I walked into the room I immediately had flash backs of Andrew’s last hours. She was breathing in the same pattern that he was and I knew I was about to watch her pass away like I had done a month ago with Andy. It was a hard day. I felt grateful to be there with her until the end and I felt fear about watching her take her last breath. Mostly, I was worried about my dad because he was devastated by Andrew’s death and now he was losing his greatest cheerleader. It was so difficult to watch him be so sad.
At the end of the day it was an honor to be by his side and to help him and the family write the obituary and plan the funeral. As hard as it was, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve learned so much from everyone who has taken care of my family and me during the hardest time in our lives and it motivates me to give back whenever and wherever I can.
The consistent lesson I’m learning is that life is precious and the people in it are such gifts. Tell them what they mean to you now, show them how much you love them because when it is all said and done love is what remains. I love you!
you are so beautiful inside and out.
Bailey, you’ve had way to much death and sorrow in your life at a young age. In the midst of your loss and sorrow, don’t forget the heavenly celebration that is taking place. Don’t we wish we could sit in on it? I pray for you daily!
Dorothy Wilkinson
I’m sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I know it must be so hard losing someone so close so soon after losing your husband. Know that your message is powerful and will help many others during their difficult time. I wish you continued strength, courage and peace.
Kendal Lukrich
Sent from my iPhone
Precious Bailey,
I just cried as I read your beautiful words. I cried partly because my heart breaks for all that you all are going through, and I so wish I could help!
And I was also crying because your words are so beautiful, and it is truly amazing to see the growth God is doing in you, even through such excruciating hardships. I can see it through all your blog posts, and I still feel blessed and honored that you share your honest feelings with us! Thank you for doing so. 🙂
You are so sweet to support your Dad, while also supporting Ellie and Nanny. And while also dealing with your own feelings. You are becoming more and more of an amazing, mature, selfless woman of God. And I truly feel privileged and blessed to see it, even from afar. 🙂
I hope you know that I don’t say anything I don’t mean. So please know I am not trying to flatter you in any way. I just trying to honestly express what I see in you. 🙂
I would love to see you and hang out, and just love on you, but I know you are probably too busy with so much going on. Please just know that if you ever want to hang out with someone who understands deep grief from uncontrollable circumstances, I’d love to be there with you. 🙂
That is one of the most amazing things about the Body of Christ to me… Deep suffering is excruciating and feels unbearable a lot of the time, but it is amazing how God works through it. I wish I was healed, and I wish Andrew was still here, but I cannot deny the incredible growth and compassion I see happening in you, and that I have seen happen in me.
And it’s so not me! It’s so The Lord!! I know that full well, because I know how much of a mess I am when I’m not walking in step with Him! haha 🙂
Deep suffering is just this incredible catalyst that expands our hearts to the point that we can’t help but feel for others deeply who are suffering, even if its in different ways than we are. It’s still essentially all the same. We learn how not in control we are and how in control God is. We fight it, get angry, fight bitterness, experience deep sadness, feel like giving up at times… And so many other things, but if we just keep coming back to God, even when we are mad at Him and like “What are You doing?!?” He loves that and honors that, because “He knows we are but dust”. He knows we are finite, and He is infinite. He knows how blind we are.
And He just loves to wrap His arms around us through peace, His word, fellow believers, nature, and so many other ways. 🙂
Suffering is one of God’s most effective tools to change us, make us more like Him, give us deep joy, compassion, peace… And to REALLY know Him. But man it’s hard…
So please know you’re continually in my prayers!! I really do love you, girl! You are a beautiful daughter of the Most High God. 🙂
Love always,
Mandy
Bailey, you express your thoughts so well in your beautiful writing. Thank you so much for letting us into your world. We appreciate and admire you .
Judy Haire
Well said, my dear! Blessings……
You continue to amaze me. Hugs. Blessings. Prayers. Always.
Thank you does not even begin to describe how blessed we have been by your writings. You have been through so much, I know you must be out of tears. Through all of your blogs I can see what a blessed woman you have been in your relationships, whether they lasted your whole life or only a few years. How blessed we are to know what love is, so that when they are gone, we feel an overwhelming sense of joy in honoring them, remembering them and carrying on their legacy. So many, sadly do not know that kind of love, the love that never fades. May The Lord continue to watch over you and your precious family, and guide you on the path He has set out for you. Thank you for sharing your journey Bailey.
Alicia Insinna
Bailey
You are such an inspiration… God bless you!
Bailey, I’m sorry for the loss of your Nanny. I just wanted to let you know that you and your words are such an inspiration. Ellie is very lucky to have you for a Mom!
Sent from my iPhone
Thanks for sharing Bailey. Prayed for you this morning before I even read this. You continue to inspire. I love you!
Bailey you are such a beautiful person with
an amazing spirit. You are such an inspiration
to me. God Bless you and Ellie.