I’m just gonna lay it all out there. This past week really sucked. Maybe it’s just as true to say that my attitude about last week really sucked. Once I heard the doctor tell Andrew he had another tumor in his brain and we had to start whole brain radiation for the next twelve days something inside me snapped. I started feeling a deep sadness that I hadn’t yet experienced. The sadness then morphed into a serious anger issue. I found myself flying off the handle at my daughter for little things like spilling drinks or not walking fast enough. I consider myself a pretty patient person especially when it comes to my baby girl, but last week all the patience went out the window.
Before last week, I was doing a lot of reading on how to remain in the present moment and how to deal with the things in life that I can’t control. I thought I was experiencing some life changing shifts until last week hit and it seemed all that I learned went in one ear and out the other. It really surprised me how quickly my attitude shifted from being pretty positive about a terrible situation to being extremely negative and bitter. Up until this point I felt God’s supernatural strength getting me through this experience. I still feel His strength, but I’m having to work a littler hard on my end to make it through each day.
When I took some time to reflect on why I was so angry I realized that the bulk of it came from being forced to be a single parent. I’ve pretty much felt like one for sometime now and I was so angry that I am having to parent my two year old by myself. I was taking my anger out on Andrew because I was so upset that he can never play with her. Of course I felt terrible for blaming Andrew when all he wants is to get better, play with his daughter and help me raise her. In the moment I didn’t know a constructive way to deal with my anger.
I think for me the reality is setting in that I may continue to be a single parent and that scares me to death. I want nothing more then to give Ellie the best life that I can and sometimes I doubt that can happen without Andrew there. Honestly, this blog has been the most difficult for me to write because you’re reading about me going through a phase that I’m not particularly proud of. I want to share the good and the bad with you because I learn the most from others when they are real and authentic.
Today I finally sat down with Andrew to have a heart to heart. I let him know what I was going through and he expressed what he’s feeling, we cried and held each other. I know this is so hard for him and he knows this is hard for me. The best we can give each other is Grace and forgiveness. I’m so thankful to have a husband who truly cares and is committed to working through the pain with me. We are learning at such a young age about unconditional love and how to work together to get through difficult times. We don’t do it perfectly, but when we mess up we ask for forgiveness and try not to make the same mistakes twice (which happens from time to time).
I know I say thank you a lot in my blog but I don’t know how else to tell you all how much I appreciate your love and support. I started sharing our story as a way to express my feelings and not keep them cooped up. I have over 20 journals filled with all of my life experiences and I stopped journaling once I got married. I realized how much I missed it and how important it was for my self expression so blogging has been my new outlet. Sometimes when I’m having a rough day I will just read through your comments or fb messages and your love fills me back up. Just want you to know what a profound impact you’ve had on my life. I love you dearly. Blessings.
PS Thank you all for your support on our fund. I can’t thank you all enough for the financial support you’ve blessed our family with. You’ve helped to take a huge financial strain off of our family and I appreciate it more then words can express.
http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/andrew-bailey-s-journey/25851
I love you sweet girl! Wish I was closer to help you with Ellie and give you lots of hugs. Praying you through 🙂 EJ
EJ, thanks so much for being so present throughout this entire journey. You are a one of a kind friend and I’m so beyond blessed to have you in my life! Hope you know how much I love you.
My heart pours out to you! Much of your frustration could stem from the “hurry up and wait” situation you are in. You truly do not want to be a single parent and you feel that you have had to take up the slack lately. You just NEED him so badly to hurry up and get better to be that family that you were and want to continue. Like you have said many times. Take one day at a time and enjoy the moments you have. I agree, though. It sucks BIG. My prayers are with you! Hugs.
Betty
Betty J. Adamson
Thanks so much Betty for your sweet comment and your prayers. I appreciate your loving understanding. Blessings and hugs to you!
Bailey,
Youre not alone, I have had those days too but not because my husband is sick or physically unable to help me with Mia, I cannot even fathom it. Im just a work in progress and like you said “grace & forgiveness” IN ABUNDANCE! How blessed we are to realize our need for them before we even hit the BIG 30! I know you are pouring out your heart to show others your humaness and it will be a great encouragement to all of us mommies who sometimes feel like we are expected to do so much when we feel like we have so little to give. The truth is, our presence, our simple words and our smiles do wonders for them! You are no doubt a wonderful mother & wife! Keep it up!
Alicia Insinna
Alicia,
You’ve been such a constant support throughout this entire journey and you’ve blown me away with your outpouring of love for me and my family. Thank you for always taking the time to read the blog and leave your words of wisdom and encouragement. I always feel uplifted after reading your comments. You are one amazing lady! Hope you had a wonderful Mother’s Day!
Sweet Bailey you are human and there is no way anyone could go through what y’all are without having moments of anger or sadness. The fact that you identified it, talked with Andrew about it, and are working to correct it makes you mature, graceful, and truly and example of love. Some go their whole lives without ever taking the first step of identifying the problem. God has you and Andrew and Ellie in His big arms….and He understands every emotion you go through. He is feeling them with you and is always there to comfort, love, and forgive. By sharing your feelings and trials I know you are helping others and other marriages and relationships. There is nothing you can go through or feel that one of us hasn’t already, in some facet, “been there, done that”. I have never met you, but I love you, and thank you for sharing your heart with all of us. You open eyes, speak to hearts, and truly are a testimony to the Kingdom and God’s love. My prayers continue for your family. God bless you and your strength and courage, that goes beyond your years!
Laura,
Your comment brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for everything you said. It was all exactly what I needed to hear to stop beating myself up. Thank you for taking time out of your day to encourage me. I don’t know you but I feel like I do and I love your right back! Blessings sweet new friend.
Sweet Bailey, I am praying for y’all through this unbelievable trial. Thank you for your honesty and for letting us know how we can continue to pray for you. I am praying for ultimate healing for Andrew, grace,mercies and healing to your heart and most importantly for you to feel our Lord holding all 3 of you close to Him. Love you sweet friend, you are in my prayers
Thank you so much sweet Courtney. Thanks for sharing such a beautiful message for my family. It’s women like you that help bring me back to God’s grace. Love you so much!
Bailey, I don’t know if you remember me telling you about the range of emotions that I went through after my diagnosis. Saylor was only 2 at that time, and I so understand where you are coming from. Not that it helps, but your emotions are normal. I have to laugh as I say that, not because any of this is funny, but it took me a long time(and counseling) to realize that the anger, frustration, sadness and eventually, bitterness, was all part of the healing process. None of us, and I mean none of us, could even begin to fathom what you and Andrew are going through…it is too personal, too private and even though some of us may have walked the same road, it doesn’t make the situation the same.
But Bailey, you are such a ray of God’s light. He shines through you…you are one of only two people (Anne Roller) being the other that every time I was around you, I felt His presence. Having said that, you are human, and humans were given emotions.
I love you Bailey, and my heart is so sad for you and Andrew, and I pray daily for a miracle for your precious husband. I can not even imagine how tired you are emotionally. The roller coaster just does not seem to stop for you guys. But please know that you are loved dearly, and if any of us could take your pain away, we would. We are here for you…love you!
Barb, You are so precious. Your words hit so close to home because I know your story of all that you have been through so I always appreciate your words of wisdom and voice of reason that remind me it’s ok to feel. Thank you for the encouraging words, understanding, prayers and love. I can’t begin to express how much I needed them all 🙂 Love you so much Barbara!
You may end up single but never a single parent. You have me, Mary , Jim, and Linda. We can not make up for Andrew but we can make sure you and Eliie always feel loved.
Thanks so much Mark. I sure do love you. You’ve seriously blessed my life in more ways then I can count. I love you and Mary dearly and I’m so grateful for how much you love me and Ellie.
Peter and I have prayer time around 2 p.m. everyday; and everyday at that
time, you and all of your family are lifted up to our GREAT God . . . in whom and through whom, ALL things are made possible. Your struggles are beyond comprehension for most people, but not our GREAT God’s! When, and even still, as I battle to live day after day, I am more present in each moment and more able to see God’s merciful hand in my life. In my (actually God’s) “Body & Soul Fitness” classes our meditation is on God’s garden and how each of us were created to uniquely fit into HIS garden. Bailey, your spot is most beautiful. The soil may be rocky and thorns and thistles may try to choke you, but your place in HIS garden is in infinitely protected through the love and mercy of Jesus Christ. I am so thankful you feel HIS closeness. Continue to pour yourself out at HIS feet. HE will be your rock.
Thank you Alicia for praying for my family. I am learning that to truly be in the present is the best place to be! Thank you so much for the beautiful reminder of God’s protection over my life. You’ve been such an encouragement to me and my family. Love you Alicia.
Precious Bay, I am so grateful for your sincerity and “realness” in all you do! I read this today, and thought and prayed immediately for you: “But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.” Micah 7:7 I can’t even fathom how wearisome and difficult this trial is. It is hard to be brought to a place where the reality of our need for God is so evident, yet in His mercy, he brings us to those places…He created us to need Him. We live in a strange world that almost seems to idolize those who don’t seem to need any help from anyone, but in God’s kingdom, he blesses those who come to Him and ask for help. He is the one who can turn troubles into triumphs:) I am praying for you, my precious friend, and am believing he will make beauty from ashes! I love you, Bay!
Megs, I’m pretty sure you know how I feel about you. Every time I talk to you I feel closer to God. You radiate God’s love in everything you do. Thank you for always bringing me back to truth, grace and faith. I’m so grateful Julie introduced us freshman year of college and you became my new running buddy. Although it almost killed me trying to keep up with you it was worth it to get to know you better and be able to call you one of my best friends! I love you Megs!
I have followed the trials you and Andrew have faced through your blogs and through my sister,Party. You have both fought this situation with such strength, Grace and faith. There have been so many challenges a d my heart goes out to you.
Thank you so much Donna for your faithfulness to follow our story. Thank you for understanding and encouraging us. Lots of love to you 🙂
Hugs & Prayers for you 🙂
Missing Andrews blog and appreciating yours 🙂
Thanks Angela. I’m hoping he gets to feeling well enough to start writing again soon. Hugs right back atcha 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing my post on your blog. It’s so encouraging to know that sharing these challenging times is encouraging someone else. It means a lot for you to share my blog. Blessings to you.