One thing is for sure. This experience stays with you, it becomes a part of who you are and it impacts the person you will now grow into. The past few days have literally been a whirlwind. Since bringing Andrew home from the hospital my days have been consumed with hospice, funeral arrangements and a whole bunch of conversations I hoped I’d never have to have. Before I go any further let me rewind a little.
Friday morning we were preparing to take Andrew home after we’d been told by our doctor that we would have to come back next week to M.D. Anderson to talk about getting Andrew on a trial. Instead of preparing for discharge I woke up to Andrew screaming in pain. Nothing the nurses gave him could ease his pain, his heart rate rose to the 170s and he was having difficulty breathing. Several doctors charged in the room to help. At one point the doctor asked Andrew if he wanted to be brought back to life if necessary and he said no. Another doctor pulled me outside to ask if I was prepared for Andrew to possibly die in the hospital. “Of course I’m not,” I thought to myself. From that point on, the tears just didn’t stop. Mostly, I was sad because I didn’t think it would all happen this quickly. The day before he seemed to be doing better.
Later, our oncologist came to the room to finally tell us that Andrew wouldn’t qualify for any trial at M.D. Anderson. He said he didn’t see Andrew living past a month. That night Andrew got moved to the palliative care unit. Right before I went to bed I heard the worst scream/cry I’d ever heard and some lady yelling “ Not my baby.” At that point I realized exactly where we were at and the gravity of the situation. Needless to say I stayed up that entire night. The next day my parents, Andrew’s parents and sister all came to the hospital to spend some quality time with Andrew. The next day we packed Andrew in the car and brought him back home to spend the rest of his days.
The night we got back Andrew was doing pretty good. My best friend drove down to Cuero and brought my aunt and my sweet Ellie Grace whom I hadn’t seen in 10 days. Even though it was 11 at night I took her to see her daddy and she just lay on his stomach for forever. The tears just welled up in Andrew’s eyes. It was a sweet moment (the picture that you see above is the moment they shared). The past two days Andrew has been pretty loopy and tired, however we do have moments where we know he knows we are there because he tells us he loves us.
I’ve been sleeping in the same room as him the past couple of nights and I just can’t help but cry myself to sleep. The hardest part for me is watching his health deteriorate. I see this beautiful soul so full of life and love and watching him suffer and be completely helpless just kills my soul. I’ve been blown away by the generosity of everyone so willing to help our family. Regency Nursing and Rehab (where Andrew used to work) has been sending nurses out to help take care of Andrew all throughout the day, sending us lunch and dinners and just making sure we are all taken care of. That kind of love just blows me away. Word’s can’t even come close to the gratitude that fills my heart.
My hope and prayer from this situation is that beautiful things will continue to come out of this tragic experience. I want to continue to focus on all the blessings that have come and continue to come from our story. I desire to become more compassionate and more loving through this experience so that I can connect with more people in hopes of helping to inspire them through our journey and through Andrew’s incredible faith. Love and Blessings.
Bailey I am sending you and Andrew and Ellie love and light xoxoxoxoxo
You are so incredibly strong, Bailey. I’ve been keeping up with your story, and praying for you all everyday… I am speechless at what you’ve all had to endure. You are a phenomenal wife and mommy, and I am praying so, so hard for you. Stay strong, sweet girl.
Bailey may God wrap you , Andrew and Ellie in his arms and give you peace and comfort through this very difficult journey . Andrew has been a true blessing to so many people and brought so many lost souls back to God . Andrew had a mission in life that may end way to soon for all but God will take his angel home . Ellie will always have her DADDY as her guarian angel . He will always be in your hearts never far from you . What a blessing to know his love for Christ and Christ love for Andrew to send him to save so many . God Bless you Bailey may God give you strenghth . Love you .
Bailey
Beautiful words from a beautiful wife, beautiful Mother and Beautiful Christian woman.
You are blessing others and honoring Andrew in such a special way. God Bless you
Bailey, all of you are in our thoughts and prayers. May God wrap all of you in his arms and help give you all some peace. Love you all. Tootie
God is forever with you. I have known what it is to lose a loved one and no matter how hard it is to handle let the spirit of the Holy Ghost just flow through you. Let peace flow through you for you know in your heart and soul that he is going home no matter how painful it is to witness. My heart is with you along with my tears and prayers. God bless you.
Blessings, love, comfort & endless prayers to your sweet family.
My Dearest Bailey,
This just breaks my heart, I wished I could take all of the pain away from you and Andrew, I am so sorry for what you both are going through and what you face. My you always know that our Heavenly Father is right there with you both. My prayers continue day and night for both of you, I wake up during the night and just pray for you and Andrew and the family. I want to help you in any way that I can. Please know that you and Andrew are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Kathy
Praying for you during these extremely difficult days. I am hopeful that the Lord will bless you with sweet happy memories in these days and that Andrew’s pain would be minimal.
My thoughts are with you and your family at this time. My sister and I watched my mum die at home last year. It can be a very difficult few weeks or days. I hope you have lots of help and love surrounding you. You are in my payers.
Michelle
Bailey,
My heart was breaking for you when we left yesterday. I was crying and not very composed when my 16 year old spoke to me in such a way that I felt like somehow Andrew was saying it because she sounded so wise. This is what she said, “Mom, I heard you and Miss Bailey talking about how sad she is because his body is deteriorating. I think that even though his body is getting physically weaker, his soul is getting stronger and closer to God.”.
We love you all so much— you are in our constant thoughts and prayers. Please remember that we are just a phone call away……
Love,
Cindy D.
Prayers for your family.
My heart breaks for you and your family. I pray for God to comfort you all, take away the pain, and give you peace.
Bailey I just read this entire blog. It certainly makes me think about life; love; and faith. Please know my deepest prayers are with you and Andrew today and the days to come. Our God is ever faithful.
Please know that even beyond your huge next work of friends and family that are with is this massive cancer community. We are sending you love, peace and calm. Always on our minds…
You don’t know me. I am Barbara Schmidt, Tamara Lee’s aunt. We lost our Jeff Schmidt Sept 3, 2012. His diagnosis came May 3, 2012. I refused to accept it and believed he was going to get well even after the doctor gave him 2 or 3 weeks. His life has been a blessing and to comfort you, Jeff lives on in my life and has helped me overcome adversity I would not have been able to handle as well as I am. The faith of Andrew is like my Jeff. God has a master plan. We have angels on earth. God bless you and your family. He has his arms around you very firmly.
Praying for you and your family. God bless you all.
Bay, how I wish that you and Andrew were not facing this difficult road. After just going through something like this with my own father, I completely understand your statement, of “it stays with you”. I don’t remember a lot during that time, it seems that God did grant me the strength to get through it, but I wish I had done one thing…journal, journal the moments, the feelings, the things that seemed so minute at the the time, but I didn’t. I don’t know if you are, but things just begin to blur together. I guess it was what I needed to get through it, but I wish I had written to myself, just to look back and remember, instead of trying to remember. I don’t know it this will help you Bailey, but my heart aches for you. I can understand from both perspectives, your’s and Andrew’s…it is so, so hard. I just want you to know that you are loved, and Andrew is loved, and we are all here rooting for you.. I don’t know if anything I said will help you Bay, …..my heart hurts for you, and I love you Bay!
Bailey, although we’ve never met and its been years since I’ve seen Andrew, my heart breaks for you and your family. Let God wrap his arms around you, El, Mark, Mary, your parents, and all of the family.
My heart is breaking for all of you, Bailey! My thoughts and prayers are with you; Andrew is a very blessed man to have a wife like you! No one can imagine what this is like for either of you, and your strength makes my tears come harder! I know that there is nothing I can do for either of you, except to pray… May God bless and keep all of you in the palm of his hand right now. 🙂
Kathleen Kopecky
Our hearts are also full of anguish at all ya’ll are going through. I pray for each of you and find it an honor to have learned about you through this ordeal. Ya’ll have opened up your lives, pain and love for all to feel. May our Lord bless you all.
I pray for your family that your husband will keep fighting this. And that you and your beautiful daughter stay strong and put this in Gods hands. Your family has touched me so deeply. I just wish I could do something for your family to make things right for you.God be with you always and I pray for him to place his healing hand on Andrew.
My heart just breaks for your family. Andrew has been so amazing through this part of his journey. Your whole family has been amazing. Yall have been through so much. I can only imagine what you are going through. I know when I lost my dad to cancer in 2002 I was devastated. You have so many people supporting you and showing you such love. You and Andrew are such an inspiration. To stay so strong in your faith. God Bless all of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
your strength and ability to share your experience is amazing.I am praying for your family to find peace and that there be no more pain for Andrew.
Never give up…
My thoughts and prayers go out to you both. Stay strong Bailey and hang in there Andrew!
I dont know you or your family but I have prayed for all of you since first finding Andrews blog through a friend several months ago. I lay awake last night praying for you…. that our heavenly father comfort you through this most difficult time. It truly amazes me how strong all of you have been during this storm. Please know that people everywhere pray for your family. God bless you Heard family.
~Wendy (San Francisco Bay Area, CA)
I love you so much Bailey!! I am wishing so bad I could just wrap my arms around your neck!! Praying constantly!!
I just read your story. My heart breaks for you as I somewhat understand what your going through. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer in November 2012. What a shock as he is 40 years old and we have two girls 13 and 15. We live in Atlanta, Ga and we have been doing chemo here every 2 weeks and go to MD Anderson every 2 months for scans. Trying to find the right formula of chemo as the liver in totally covered but this past scan showed some improvement. We believe in the miraculous and will continue to believe in God’s healing hands.
You are in my prayers, God be with during this time and give you strength and peace that surpasses all understanding. Would love to hear from you down the road as you the first person I’ve ever reach out to.
God bless you and your family
Nicole Tucker
Continued prayers for strength for you and all of the family.
Bailey – your words and story have genuinely inspired me. Down to my daily tasks I am reminded how beautiful life’s moments really are. You and your family are in my prayers.
I am so so thankful that the nurses are being so good to you all! I am continuing to pray for you all! I know God hears all our prayers and that He is acting and moving. As the Bible says, He never sleeps or slumbers. He sends the Comforter to comfort all of you. I am praying that the Holy Spirit would guide you all in everything, that you would feel God near. Please do not be afraid of breaking down and crying. You need to get it out. Grief is so incredibly hard, but needed. I will be praying that God guides you all through your grief process. Love you! <3
Thank you for sharing your story at St. Marks. It was a blessing to meet you all. No words can help this situation. You and your family are loved by many, don’t ever hesitate to ask for help in this Cuero community. We are all in this journey together!
I have been looking through your blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Any words of wisdom for me? My husband has been diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer. First found was the metastasis which was removed from his brain. They are not offering surgery, only radiation and chemotherapy. I am having such a hard time seeing him hurt and imagining him gone.