Gold in the Fire

Why is it so darn hard to be vulnerable?

That was the question running through my mind as I was feeling embarrassed to perform in my acting class. I’ve always had a vivid imagination, but the idea of publicly being imaginative paralyzed me.

I so desperately want to get out of my perfectionistic left brain and operate more out of my free-spirited right brain, but there is a lot of fear for me in doing that. It feels like losing control, and that terrifies me.

I know control is an illusion, but it’s so uncomfortable to let go. Yet here I am, putting myself in situations like acting and improv classes because, deep down, I feel like there is gold in the fire.

Have you ever felt like you’re a vulnerable person, but then something happened in your life that caused you to realized there were deeper layers you could uncover to be even more vulnerable? That’s where I’m at right now— exploring the depths of my vulnerability and what that means.

It’s one of the reasons I signed up for acting classes. I hoped the courses would free me from feeling like I have to have the right answer and not make a mistake. I want to be me, unfiltered and unapologetic, all while continuously discovering who I am.

Through this process, I’ve learned one of the things that held me back from really connecting with my own needs and wants is worrying too much about other people’s feelings and opinions. In doing so, I’d edit myself to please the person. This self editing made me feel disingenuous because I couldn’t be sincere.

I understand all too well how to be considerate of other’s feelings because I’ve done it my whole life to the detriment of my identity. I have a lot of empathy, which makes me able to feel other’s feelings even more than my own. I believe getting lost in someone else’s feelings has created a barrier in me between connecting to my senses and discovering who I am.

I always want to consider another person’s feelings and be kind, and I’m learning how to do that without losing myself.

I want people to feel seen, loved, and important, and there are times when it’s wise to say what may help them instead of what may be the easier pill to swallow.

The fact is, when we speak the truth as we see it, instead of what we think others want to hear, it may likely ruffle some feathers, and that’s what I’m learning to be ok with.

I’m learning it’s better to be honest and real than to say what you think will make someone feel better and make them like you. It’s still really hard for me, and I’m sure it will be for my entire life, but I’m willing to put in the work and get outside my comfort zone to grow in this area.

Have you ever noticed how God gives us multiple opportunities to grow in the areas where we need it the most and how He continues giving us those opportunities until we get it?

I encourage you to start noticing the areas of your life where you want to grow and then looking for opportunities to get outside of your comfort zone to make progress in those areas! It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Find that gold in the fire.

We’ve got this.

So grateful for our time together. Thank you for being here with me today! Love and Blessings.

 

 

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