Have you ever felt like you are on running on a hamster wheel? It keeps spinning and spinning and, for a while, it’s really fun and exciting, until finally it stops for a minute. You take a second to breathe and in the silence, your thoughts start darting all over the place and you wonder: what am I doing, why am I doing it, and where am I going? That’s exactly how I’m feeling these days.
Since Andrew’s cancer diagnosis, I learned to live moment-to-moment for several reasons, the main two being because we didn’t know when his last day would be, so we savored each moment we had together, and the other because I came to discover I was capable of handling each moment as it happened, while my thoughts about the future overwhelmed me with fear and anxiety. I clung to the belief God would give me everything I needed to get through each moment. Living in the present really served me during this particular time in my life and in so many ways it’s helped me get to where I am today. I do find, though, each year since Andrew’s passing, there is this urgency to think about the future—not only for me, but also for my daughter, Ellie. I often wonder what will happen with my speaking career? Will I remarry? Will I have another child?
Some of the urgency has been brought to the surface because Ellie’s starting Kindergarten next year (how did that happen so fast?). I’ve put pressure on myself to pick the “right” school for her. I’ve missed having someone to help me make these decisions about my daughter. As much as I’ve accepted our new reality, it still overwhelms me sometimes when I feel the weight of being both sole provider and mom to Ellie. Especially since I’ve purposefully chosen to be an Entrepreneur, which isn’t always a steady income. I’ve grown a tremendous amount just learning how to make all these things work, but I would be lying if I didn’t mention the challenge it’s been recently to trust God to take care of us while I do my part to be proactive in finding new speaking opportunities. I can’t shake the overwhelming fear that sometimes creeps into my mind, causing me to worry about failing at my career and failing as a mom.
It’s moments like these when I realize I have two choices. I can choose to be paralyzed by the fear of the unknown and stay stuck in my limiting beliefs, which usually results in me coasting through life, or I can choose to remember the times along my journey when I’ve trusted God’s plan, taken life one day at a time, and to acknowledge the ways in which living in this manner has produced prosperity in my life. When I’m feeling overwhelmed with fear I find taking some time for myself to be alone, think, and rest re-energizes me for what’s next.
Sometimes simply acknowledging our fears to ourselves (or in my case, to all of you) can be liberating. Also, taking responsibility for our response to our fears is empowering. Especially when we feel like our fears will consume us. The truth is they will not unless we allow them to. This is something I constantly remind myself of on the daily so as to stand in my power and, ultimately, in God’s power. A long time ago, I found a Bible verse on the case of my very first Bible and, from that day on, it became what I called my life verse, which I will leave as my encouragement to you today.
“For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love and self-discipline.” —2 Timothy 1:7
Faith over Fear. Thank you for hanging out with me today! Love and Blessings.
PS –Do you or someone you know have a group in need of an inspirational speaker? If you want me to come speak and sign some Ellie Project books, shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org. My presentation is powerful, inspirational, and about living your legacy today! It’s good for men and women, corporate groups, mom’s groups, Bible Study groups, community groups, etc. I am excited to come share this powerful message with you!
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